Tag: Statement #13

“You have a choice each and every single day. I choose to feel blessed. I choose to feel grateful. I choose to be excited. I choose to be thankful. I choose to be happy.”

Amber Housley

“I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.”

Gandhi

“It’s the small habits. How you spend your mornings. How you talk to yourself. What you read and what you watch. Who you share your energy with. Who has access to you. That will change your life.”

Michael Tonge

Dear 4C Women,

I have been thinking about Karen’s question of what change has made the biggest impact on my recovery life. My first thought was “change” period! I changed my whole attitude and outlook in so many ways. I especially related to blaming everyone else for my unhappy life. It took a lot of courage to practice this Statement, to be responsible and in charge when I felt so empty, so lost, and searching for a way to trust myself to change my life in a positive way without alcohol. I decided that in order to accomplish this, I needed to accept this Statement with hope in my heart that I could become a responsible sober woman. I rebelled at first because it did mean I had to give up the blame game and that was pretty scary. To be in charge of my mind, thoughts, and life was quite a challenge, to say the least. I had to look deep into my inner conflict and actually, both believe I could change my negative attitude and the fear of such a momentous change to becoming a 4C woman.  Fear was my stumbling block. Fear of change, fear of failure, fear of being in charge, plain old fear everywhere I looked.

Once the wall of fear started crumbling, I felt free for the first time in my life. I didn’t think that freedom would be the outcome of being in charge of my life. I made mistakes for sure. The difference is that I learned from them, created much better coping tools, made better choices but most of all, I didn’t retreat to old coping methods when I was unsure or made mistakes. Let’s face it, we all continue to make mistakes. That is part of human nature. However, I believe we go from surviving to thriving and that keeps us moving forward. We are also supported and encouraged by so many wonderful 4C women. We are not alone and that is what I love when I get those moments of doubt. I don’t run away; I stop and reflect. I seek input and do my best to keep Statement #13 always in the forefront of my thoughts, reactions, responses, attitude, and recovery because, in the end, I am responsible for my choices. I am learning to respect and trust my instincts as best I can. Life changes and the life lessons continue. As I wrote this, I laughed out loud wishing there weren’t so many lessons sometimes!

What is the change that has made the biggest impact on your recovery life?

How do you handle mistakes? What are your coping tools?

Do you acknowledge your successes or gloss over them?

Are you giving permission for those with dirty feet to walk through your mind? Can you identify them and set healthy boundaries for your well-being?

Do you trust and respect your instincts?

For those struggling in trusting themselves to be in charge of their life, remember it is not the length of the journey but the willingness to take it. And most importantly, this is not a solo journey. Yes, we are responsible for our individual actions/choices, yet there is so much support and encouragement from those who are journeying with us. We are students and teachers at different moments. Whichever you are right now, please trust yourself to be the teacher or the student.

Bonded together on this journey, Dee

“You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.”

Abraham Lincoln

“Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all dogs that were excited for the ride until we realized where we’re going.”

Unknown

“No one else is going to build the life you want for you.  No one else will even be able to completely understand it.  The most amazing souls will show up to cheer you along the way, but this is your game.  Make a pact to be in it with yourself for the long haul, as your own supportive friend at every step along the way.”

Tara Mohr

Hi 4C Women,

I laughed out loud at the quote about being a dog, all excited for the ride, until we realized where we were going. After my divorce, I was initially terrified to be responsible for everything after 27 years of marriage, yet I was also excited to be making my own choices, to be in charge. All these years later, I am grateful to have learned a ton of life lessons, survived several mistakes that I was sure I wouldn’t, and still, every once in a while, I do some wishful thinking about having someone take over my responsibilities for perhaps a week to give me a break. There is so much to learn and unlearn. I learned that Superwoman does not exist in real life and unlearned that I have to do it all and perfectly. I also realize that when I want someone to take over for a brief time, I am just feeling overwhelmed. It is not a judgment on my abilities, it is a recognition of needing a breather and asking for input or support, knowing that the final responsibility and decision is mine.

Karen was absolutely right about “trust.” It took quite a while for me to trust my decision-making and problem-solving skills. Working through my pain, healing from my past, and learning to ask for help all created trust in me. I trusted myself!  I finally chose courage over comfort. It was comfortable to have others tell me what would be the best choice for me, to decide what to do, and where to go. One day I realized that I was allowing fear to control my life, mostly fear of making mistakes in my choices which is why I either didn’t make a decision or relied on others to do it for me. That was my comfort zone. If their choice was wrong, I wore my “blame them” crown. It fit so well. However, with WFS I learned that fear took away the courage I needed to be in charge of my life. While I recognized that fear is a natural response, I also learned to not deny my feelings but find a way to uncover and discover where they were coming from. From that came the tools I needed to problem-solve and be confident.

Even mistakes are powerful life lessons, not a deterrent.  I love that WFS encourages us to be authentic. My fear was very real to me yet I needed to reflect with compassion to understand its roots. I did discover them and it completely changed my thought pattern. The inner critic that said I was stupid was from the past, from some who are no longer here or in my life. Yet I gave them room to rent in my mind. Well, their lease was up and I am now the sole owner!

Have you been able to uncover and discover your fears that might be holding you back from practicing and living Statement #13?

In doing so, how has that changed your approach to being in charge of your mind, thoughts, and life as far as cravings, triggers, and decision-making?

How do you say yes to you? I love Karen’s description of saying no to a craving or a trigger is saying yes to you.

Having plans has always been a part of WFS. If Plan A doesn’t work, go on to Plan B, Plan C.  It’s all part of learning to be in charge of our actions as best as we can. Learning what does and does not work for us individually. So, if you are triggered or your inner critic is screaming false messages in your ear, what plans do you have to live Statement #13 for well-being and recovery?

Bonded in learning and discovering our needs to be in charge of our actions, and our life, Dee

WFS is proud to announce the start of the LGBTQ+ Affinity Group meeting!

Thursday, September 29 at 12pm ET

Please email [email protected] with questions and to obtain the exact location of the meeting.

Hi 4C Women,

When I finally learned to release total blame on everyone and everything that I believed was wrong in my life and focus on taking responsibility for my role in a situation, I learned many life lessons from it. This also included accountability for the other person who may have caused harm or hurt. Big difference from putting the entire blame on someone or something. It is a two-way street and that helped me to understand how important it was to find and speak my truthful voice while acknowledging my part. This is why prioritizing ourselves helps us to react/respond in a healthier way to achieve change – our inside change. Yelling, screaming, blaming, remaining silent, keeping it all inside or even feeling it’s all our fault resolves nothing and teaches nothing. Accountability and responsibility are the best teachers in creating authentic change. I blamed my father, teachers, bosses, and toxic relationships for my life as I thought I had no choice. Well, my choice was to drink away the feelings as I accepted the pain and hurt thrown at me. Zero lessons, zero change. This is not to say that it was okay to be harmed by anyone! Thanks to WFS and this Statement in particular, I realized my responsibility is how I took that situation, the hurt, and the pain, and learned to do something different. I reacted differently (which was a huge challenge and confused the people who expected the usual reaction). I felt so empowered being in charge of my thoughts and how I found a way to express my voice in a competent, responsible, and may I say, a calmer manner. I was no longer behaving like a victim of my circumstances but a strong voice in my choices.

Here’s another lesson I learned and that is it’s not always a straight line to being in charge of my mind, thoughts, and life. I have faltered and succeeded. Many times, it depends on the person, the situation, and even my level of confidence at that given moment. Knowing that stops the personal judgment when I falter and gives myself credit when I succeed. It goes back to Karen’s point of setting realistic goals. Perfection does not exist and is a roadblock to personal growth, life lessons, and authentic change. Something I realized as I practiced this Statement is that the word fault started dropping from my thoughts and was replaced with the empowered word, “responsibility.” That one-word change had a great impact on how I started viewing a situation. For me, it meant I had options and was willing to try those options. I sought input and didn’t see that as a weakness but as a strength. I was previously fearful of seeking help, believing that I would be judged for not having problem-solving or decision-making skills. I was learning gratefulness as well for those who were willing to patiently share their life experiences to support me in building my coping toolbox.  This is the outcome of being part of such an empowering program where we can be authentic and grow emotionally without fear of judgment.

Bonded in being empowered, responsible, and willing to learn, Dee

Late registration for in-person attendance is available!

On-demand registration will continue through July 31st.

Dear 4C Women,

I have been divorced for 28 years and just saying the number seems unreal to me at times. One of my favorite quotes is one I saw on a calendar many years ago: “Life is change, growth is possible, choose wisely.” That quote was a picture of my life during my separation and divorce. I experienced major changes, ones I had not imagined and I had a choice to grow or remain broken, fearful, and frozen. Fortunately, I had quit drinking before the separation so I was beginning to have clarity yet the fear of being totally responsible for every area of my life was strong. I had to learn vulnerability, to accept that I would make mistakes and survive but also learn if I was willing. My big question became, how am I and my life going to be different? How will my decisions affect me in 10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years? The deceit, the lies no longer served me as I was now committed to my sobriety. Yet, handling so much responsibility after being married for 27 years left me with a lot of uncertainty.

I often say that I am grateful for my addiction as it led me to seek help and the kind of help that lifted me up, changed my way of thinking and responding. Even though I thankfully was in therapy, the WFS program provided a powerful companion guide for lasting change in sobriety. I am a person who disliked change immensely yet here I was with the biggest life change I had ever experienced. Talk about walking away from dependencies – addiction, financial support, and identity – my role as a wife, provider of a safe emotional place for my children, finding a place to live after the house was sold all while working a full-time job and facilitating a WFS meeting. Facilitating a meeting was probably the most rewarding as it was a reminder of the gift of my New Life. I had tremendous support from the women in the group. I made lifelong friends and maintained my sobriety as I worked through my fears. Statement #13 reminded me that I could do this and I did.

I was blessed to have helpers in my life. I learned from each person who held out their hand just what being helped and being a helper for others meant. I was not a person who took risks yet I was thrust into a life of risk-taking. Through all the unknown territories I walked through, I was grateful that I was able to find the lesson. Before, I would focus on the mistake which did nothing for my self-esteem, problem-solving, or decision-making. Statement #13 was my guiding force.

In reflecting on your life today, how do you feel about being vulnerable, willing to take risks, accepting help, giving help, and how your decisions will affect you in 10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years? If you are triggered, your action could have a huge impact on either of the 10s. I thought a lot about that when I was triggered and thankfully, it empowered me, even more, to stand strong, to keep that 4C woman intact, and survive any mistakes I made. It was not an easy journey yet worth every up and down as long as I was willing to learn, grow, be accountable and accept the tremendous support from my 4C sisters.

What one major change are you currently experiencing?

What is the most challenging part of the situation?

What is your reaction to change?

How will you better care for yourself during the course of the change?

What problem solving and decision-making skills are you learning in this situation?

Are you able to be a helper and/or accept help?

Bonded in taking responsibility, learning the lessons, and standing strong, Dee

“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”  ~~Nora Ephron

“There is no limit to what we, as women can accomplish.”  ~~Michelle Obama

I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts and my life.

Leaving behind the blame game and self-destructive behaviors, we can move forward and stand in our own strength.  In our WFS Program booklet it states “The purpose of the New Life Program is self-acceptance and being responsible for ourselves and all that we do.  By accepting responsibility, we can break away from unhealthy dependencies.” 

As the holidays and final days of the year draw nearer, we can pause and reflect in the knowledge that we are in charge of our mind and our lives.  In the midst of the hustle and bustle, the glow of the season, and for some, the cold, there is an opportunity for underlying ease and contentment.  Recently one 4C woman shared that this is the 11^th year that her Christmas tree has stood beautifully decorated, without falling over with her in it.  A wonderful and simple joy indeed.

Hugzzz

Karen

Hear more about Statement #13

“Responsibility is accepting that you are the cause and the solution of the matter.”  ~~Anonymous

“Responsibility to yourself means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking, and naming for you; it means learning to respect and use your own brains and instincts; hence, grappling with hard work.”  ~~Adrienne Rich

“A hero is someone who understands the responsibility that comes with his freedom.” ~~Bob Dylan

#13 I am responsible for myself and for my actions.

I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.

In our WFS Program booklet it states “Sobriety is just the beginning.  The WFS New Life Program provides a portal for personal growth.  It shows us a new way of thinking.”  This Statement is not a one and done or something to be checked off a list; Statement #13 is designed to be used continuously throughout our New Life.  This is especially true for long term sobriety for it keeps us on the path of recovery.

In the past responsibility felt frightening since in my mind, responsible people made difficult decisions and were often reprimanded.  Through years of drinking, I felt incapable of making even the smallest of decisions and unhealthily depended on others.  This way of life shrunk my mind, my thoughts and my life.  Yet, Women for Sobriety helped me change all that.

Today I feel a sense of freedom in responsibility and no longer fear decision making since it’s how we all learn.  A favorite phrase defining responsibility is “I respond with my ability and that ability keeps evolving and growing.”  There is underlying joy and contentment in embracing my own mind, my thoughts and my life.

Hugzzz

Karen

Hi 4C Women,

Like Karen, I had no confidence in my decision-making abilities. Statement #13 had me shaking in my fear of believing all my decisions would be wrong, that my mistakes would just validate those beliefs that I was inadequate and incapable.  This fearful negative self-talk brought to mind a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, “You gain strength, courage and confidence in every experience in which you stop and look fear in the face.”  Ok, sign me up!  Truthfully, no was my immediate response just as drinking was my immediate response when coping with my fear of change, being in charge of my mind, my thoughts and my life.

Over the years, I have been fortunate to learn from others who have walked this path before me.  While ours paths to recovery are very unique, individual and achieved in our own time frame, the life experience, insights and shared coping tools I received from other 4C women was such a gift in uncovering and discovering how I could become responsible for myself and my actions.

Here are some of the tools I used in taking charge of my life:

Positive self-talk which for me was accepting mistakes as life lessons and surviving the outcome with that knowledge.  I’d like to add thriving because I started to learn that I could be successful in my decision-making which boosted my positive self-talk.

Reframing the situation – avoiding all or nothing thinking which led me to change what is the “worst” that could happen to what is the “best” that could happen in my decision-making.

Redefine my definition of who I am.  This was a tremendous change as I had to let go of old messages from the past that no longer served me in the present.  In fact, most of those messages were given to me by people who had their own issues that were never worked through.

Self-care and being proactive in doing that.   As women, many of us place the needs of others before our own.  Sometimes that might be necessary depending on the situation.  In the big picture, it’s about balancing what needs to be done yet keeping yourself at the top of that list so you have the energy to do whatever else is necessary at that time.

Acknowledging my fears rather than drinking them away.  This was a huge challenge because it meant I had to not only face my fears but work through them.  It helped me to be aware that in facing my fears, I had to be aware of how I responded/reacted to them.

Seeking support.  Reaching out to people who understand, accept and have life-changing coping tools to share.  Having the input, insight and support of the WFS women I have been privileged to learn from and care about, was key in putting Statement #13 into action.

In reading over the changes above, which of these do you feel you are working on or need to work on?  Please consider sharing the coping tools that have helped you up to this point.  We all learn from each other.

I encourage you to remember that we are all heroines when we walk through the doors or attend a WFS virtual meeting for the first time, when we continue to attend as we learn to take responsibility for our lives and our actions, reaching out making that first phone call to ask for help, registering online seeking and receiving the much-needed support to guide us in putting Statement #13 into action.  It’s all about community, taking charge of our lives and the freedom working this Statement brings into our lives.

Bonded in sharing and learning new ways to practice Statement #13. Dee

Over the years, as the holidays approached, I have asked women in my local group to give a gift to themselves by answering the questions in this document, put them in a decorative bag or box and give it to themselves on Christmas Day or any day they wish to celebrate themselves.  After all, we give to others all year and this gives each woman an opportunity to think of what they will give themselves in the upcoming year (self-care) and what positive changes they have made throughout the current year and acknowledging any blessings they have received.  While it’s been a challenging year, I believe we’ve learned a lot about our abilities, our resilience and what gift we deserve to give to ourselves in the upcoming year.