“There’s no such thing as running away from the problem. They’re very patient and will wait a lifetime for you.”
Darnell Lamont Walker
“If you choose to not deal with an issue, then you give up your right of control over the issue and it will select the path of least resistance.”
Susan Del Gatto
“The important thing about a problem is not the solution, but the strength we gain in finding a solution.”
#4 Problems bother me only to the degree I permit.
I now better understand my problems.
I do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
In our WFS Program booklet our founder, Jean Kirkpatrick, Ph.D. writes “My running away helped me to deny my problem. Denial became my biggest problem.” I can relate very well to these words; denial was a well-worn ploy that created even bigger problems than what lay ahead. Then everything was compounded by my drinking, which was simply another form of denial.
Sobriety and Statement #4 in action offer a pathway to first recognize, accept and move through problems. No matter the size of an issue, being able to recognize a problem as a problem is essential to discovering solutions. Once it is in view, options are available. Obviously, there is no one size fits all solution but there are many ways to overcome instead of being overwhelmed. Avoidance of alcohol never fixed anything and only served to further complicate everything.
This week, take a few minutes each morning to reflect on any issues that may be in front of you. Instead of seeking out an immediate solution, sit with it for a few minutes and allow options to come to mind. If something feels incredibly large, reach out and express any unease. Simply sharing what the problem is with a close friend can create a sturdy foundation and you may have a cheerleader to encourage you along.
Hi 4C Women,
Learning to problem-solve supports decision-making when there is a true concern. The key is to know the difference between an ordinary problem and a real issue that needs resolution. I agree with Karen that sometimes taking a few minutes to reflect rather than expecting an immediate solution is a wonderful route to take. Sharing it with a trusted friend can bring about a whole different perspective when a fresh set of ears listens.
I have had many concerns over the years and while I sometimes felt incompetent to make a sound decision, I also learned that I could make a mistake and survive, even learn from it, could reach out for input, be successful, and most importantly, build my confidence in problem-solving. I learned that focusing on ordinary, everyday problems, was just really distracting me from handling the real concerns in my life. In the beginning, I only saw the mistakes I made. Learning a lesson from mistakes – no way! I tended to punish myself which hurt my self-esteem even more and put into question any possibility of trusting my instincts or learning better problem-solving skills. Feeling overwhelmed led to numbing those thoughts. Numbing led to disappointment, discouragement, and again, self-punishment. What a profound difference in learning the lesson! Wow, I actually started trusting myself, seeking help from those who supported me, and building a toolbox of coping skills that provided me a path to becoming a 4C woman. I was certainly learning how to not let problems overwhelm me so I could focus on the real concerns. That gave me time and energy for tackling what needed my attention.
Who would or do you turn to for input?
What’s a lesson you have learned from a mistake and a success?
If your concern is about a relationship, what would you gain from resolving that conflict in a healthy, compassionate, and honest manner? Conflict is about having a problem to solve. That’s important to remember as we come to relationships with our own histories and values. I learned a lot about myself in working on conflict in relationships. I gained a sense of worthiness that before was not even a word in my vocabulary. I began to know what I needed, what I deserved, and what was a deal-breaker in dissolving or maintaining a relationship. That was powerful information. I actually put a value on myself! What is the value you put on yourself (deserve, need)?
Finally, the fear of presenting my ideas in problem-solving kept me stuck until I found my voice, spoke my voice, and felt the empowerment of doing so. And, again, I survived, thrived, and learned more lessons than if I had kept my fear in expressing my thoughts. Are you ready to learn? Give It a try as Karen suggested in reflecting, reaching out, and doing what feels right for you and your values.
Bonded in letting go of everyday problems, focusing on concerns, and learning invaluable lessons along the way, Dee
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