โBoundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.โ
Prentis Hemphill
โJust because they spew out trash doesnโt mean weโre in the business of digging through the garbage.โ
Jefferson Fisher
โYou can forgive some people without welcoming them back into your life.
Apology accepted. Access denied.โ
Madi Prewett Troutt
#4 Problems bother me only to the degree I permit.
I now better understand my problems.
I do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
Accepting and understanding self-worth continues to help put action behind Statement #4. In early sobriety, it felt like I was bouncing through this New Life with a whisper of what was to come. There were moments of exhilaration, yet it was difficult to fully comprehend the unlimited benefits of sobriety/recovery. I was busy being attached to just staying sober.
Our founder, Jean Kirkpatrick, Ph.D. noticed early on that women in recovery have separate needs than men. Depression, overwhelming guilt, loneliness, and low or no self-esteem were the hallmarks that Jean structured the WFS Program around which addressed those critical needs. Statement #4 in action supports that process.
Trying to incorporate Statement #4 into daily life started small like a ripple in the water and through the years, continues to expand outward. As my self-worth grew, so did my problem-solving abilities. I remember exactly how it felt to lay down that first boundary; it felt exciting, scary, and satisfying all at the same time! Practicing Statement #4 has enabled the development of even the most delicate of boundaries while cementing a foundation of self-worth and growing contentment. This week, take notice of how your problem-solving abilities have grown, and be gentle with yourself.
Hugzzz
Karen
Dear 4C Women,
Iโve been thinking about the word โshouldโ which many of you know is my most unfavorite word. I read that โshouldโ is unhealthy only when it gets in the way of healthy and effective behavior. If you find yourself doing things that are the result of a should, you have given up your freedom of choice. For me, that is what Statement #4 is all about. I have a choice, a responsibility to create the boundaries Karen shared and make the best decisions I can without imposing โI should haveโ afterward which becomes a personal punishment. A mistake in a decision remains a mistake only if we are not open to learning from it. Without compassion for ourselves and the willingness to learn, then we are not able to grow, change, to learn problem-solving skills. Since finding my voice in WFS, I am not willing to let that be how I handle problems. One thing that has worked for me is to acknowledge the difference between an ordinary problem and a real concern that needs attention. That concern is when I am on high alert to being willing to make an important decision. While I have learned to problem solve and most times understand my problems, the 2nd action part of this Statement isnโt always so easy to practice- I do not permit problems to overwhelm me. I can handle 2 problems but there are times when a 3rd problem or even more so, a โconcernโ is thrown at me, I struggle with not being overwhelmed. I think that is human nature. I do my best to not let problems overwhelm me but I also forgive myself when I struggle with them.
Pausing is a coping tool that I learned from one of the women in my group. She finds if she canโt stop worrying, she will put a timer on for 5-10 minutes to not think about her problem. It helps her to be refreshed and perhaps consider what decision has to be made or if one is even necessary. That has been helpful for me to discern if I have a problem or an authentic concern that needs my attention. I also ask for input from someone I trust. I have found itโs been helpful to see my concern from a different viewpoint although I know the final decision is mine.
A lot also has to do with what stage of life weโre in. As I get older, I do look at things differently than when I was 40 or 50. My physical stamina is not the same, and my energy level is not the same yet I am grateful for the inside changes I have made that help me to know what is crucial, to ask for input, learn from others, and forgive myself for choices I have made. When I find myself saying,โ I should have,โ I change it to โI could have but I didnโtโ so what will I do next time?
Think about how you cope with feeling overwhelmed. What process do you go through to help yourself with those feelings?
What have you learned from your past decisions โ negative and positive? Remember, those positive decisions are a guide to your personal growth and indicate you being open to learning! Such a powerful way to view ourselves.
Bonded in the knowledge that we can learn, and change as we build our self-esteem, self-worth, and self-forgiveness and giving ourselves the opportunity to work through the process of coping with feelings of being overwhelmed, Dee
