Tag: Statement 7

“You are not selfish for wanting the same energy and love you give.”

Unknown

“It’s okay to let go of those who couldn’t love you. Those who didn’t know how to. Those who failed to even try. It’s okay to outgrow them, because that means you filled the empty space in you with self-love instead. You’re outgrowing them because you are growing into you. And that’s more than okay, that’s something to celebrate.”

Angelica Moone

“The people you will always remember are the ones who made you feel loved when you were at your lowest.”

Brigitte Nicole

Hi 4C Women,

Powerful, phenomenal message from Karen. Wonderful tips for learning how to begin the journey of self-love and accepting love from others. Living in pain, feeling unworthy, and never feeling that you are enough is more than challenging to overcome yet it is absolutely possible, actually necessary, and deserving. I was so fearful of rejection in giving love yet I was rejecting the most important person in my life – me! It took a while yet I learned to turn off the negative messages from the past. The messages we received growing up and into young adulthood – even adulthood. As empowered women, we now get to choose the words we speak to ourselves. I have an inner critic that I have named who sometimes sits on my shoulder, spewing nasty, old, outdated messages that I no longer accept. So, when he/she appears, I turn my head and flick the critic off as I tell them to shut up and stop lying. I am in control of my thoughts which in turn makes me in charge of my behavior. I will not allow these negative messages to make me question who I am today. I will no longer punish myself by believing even slightly that these are truth-based messages. I will instead continue to work on healing.

I have a 3×5 card in my purse that has STOP on the front as an alert when negative messages start to ramble through my mind. On the back is a listing of positive characteristics, changes I have made, what I value about myself, and whatever challenges I have gone through and stayed sober. I get that card out whenever I question my worth and the negative messages start creeping in. I encourage you to do that as self-love will change the course of your world in amazing ways.  I’ve been blessed to see so many women turn their lives around in self-love when they thought it was impossible. Be courageous – practice self-love every day and see what happens.

I hope you will take the time to reflect on the questions Karen has asked and begin or continue the journey of self-love. You deserve it.

Bonded in learning to love yourself and accept/give love to others, Dee

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“It takes courage and strength to be empathetic.”

Jacinda Arden

“Find ecstasy in life: the mere sense of living is joy enough.”

Emily Dickinson

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do.”

Brené Brown

Hi 4C Women,

As I read Karen’s thoughts, it is so amazing how the WFS Statements all work together yet separately have such an empowering message in learning, growing, loving, and definitely hope.

The 4 points that Karen shared made me reflect on how the Statements fit together so beautifully.  These are my reflections.  Would love for you to think about which Statements you believe they represent.

1.        Reducing self-judgment is Statement #2.  So important in self-love and self-respect.

2.       Trusting ourselves is Statement #12 in knowing how competent we are, trusting we are 4C women with so much to offer.

3.       Forgiving myself was so difficult.  Yet, I realized that if I were to have a New Life in recovery, I needed to do just that.  Statement #9 always pulls me out of regret, shame, and wishes I had, to remember that I can’t change what happened but learn from it and make healthier, wiser choices.

4.       Being true to yourself for me is Statement #13 knowing we are responsible for our actions and setting boundaries to nurture and grow our self-worth.

Then there is Statement #7 in loving all of me, past included, in order to move forward.  Believing I was lovable seemed an impossibility.  I saw myself as broken, fake, needy, undesirable, and definitely unworthy of love.  But there is that word again that Karen shared – hope!  As I practiced the Statements, I began to understand how important loving myself would allow love in my life.  I could genuinely love myself and others.  It was as though I was learning to walk again, to reach out my arms for support, and then to give it back.  This was my New Life.

How we speak to ourselves is critical.  I had to unlearn my negative self-talk.  Loving myself also allowed me to be vulnerable, especially to my great fear of rejection.  That was huge.  Honestly, it was painful at times yet slowly I began to recognize that I was in charge of my life and my reactions.  I never would have thought that being authentic and loving myself would heal the need to be liked/loved by everyone.  While I love helping others more than anything, I also learned that I cannot be a doormat, and walked on with no consequence.  The consequence is that I move on, giving my caring and compassion from my heart and not just the need to please or be liked.  My love for others is so real and it gives me great joy.

As you go through this week, think about how:

you speak to yourself;

how you heal and move through the past, the lessons you have learned/learning;

how love is changing your world in concrete ways, moving from people pleasing to self-caring with compassion;

how brave you are to let love in and give love away authentically.

Bonded in knowing, expressing authentic love, and practicing self-care, Dee

Hi 4C Women,

I had been talking to a friend about helping a family member who was resistant to helping themselves and it was wearing me down. I was exhausted and frustrated. My friend looked at me with concern and said, “You can’t care more than they do.” It was one of those light bulb moments!  I understood that while it is compassionate to care about others, leaving myself out of the equation of caring and self-love can empty my own love tank. And when the well is dry, it is next to impossible to give what you don’t have. This is not a new theory yet it felt brand new to me in recovery. Statement #7 was going to the well, filling my bucket with self-love, and sharing love with others –creating a beautiful balance.  It is self-love and self-care that provided me the vulnerability to be open to loving others authentically while still taking care of my needs. I always thought it was one or the other. Sacrifice was the way I lived yet it was at the expense of my own peace and contentment. It was through WFS, Statement #7, that taught me my world could encompass loving myself and others without sacrificing either. The only difference was that I began setting boundaries when I felt I cared way too much than they did. These boundaries were and still are, at times, challenging for me depending mostly on with whom I am setting them. Family is definitely the most challenging because of the emotional history and roles we have played for many years. My need for acceptance was way out of proportion to the point of being emotionally unhealthy, even unattainable. I was in such fear of rejection. Who would love me if I didn’t ignore my needs and focused only on the needs of others? There was no balance, no recognition that I mattered.  Being a facilitator taught me more about caring than I ever dreamed possible. I began to feel cared about as I cared about the women who courageously walked into a meeting, searching for a New Life. My heart, my love tank, was no longer empty. It is incomprehensible at times to reflect on the woman I was – fearful, self-loathing, believing I was unlovable, unworthy of love. This Statement offered a real opportunity to change my negative self-talk. The more I let go of my fears, the more I let love in, knowing and believing that I am truly worthy of giving and receiving love.

Was there a time in your life when love changed the course of your world? What were the circumstances?

How do you practice self-care?

Do you struggle with being a people pleaser? If so, have you considered setting boundaries to create a balance between giving to others and also getting your own needs met?

How difficult is it to set boundaries? Do you find it depends on the person or situation?

Do you know when you’re giving too much? What are the signs?

How do you speak to yourself when it comes to self-love and self-worth?

What is your greatest fear of being vulnerable?

Authentic love truly changes the course of your world when a balance is created and the choice is made to love yourself as well as others, Dee

Here is where the Teddy Bear Challenge is on May 2:

92 donors have collectively donated $9,975!

Plus we have a pledge of $50,013 in available matching funds!

Including matching funds … we are now at $19,949!!!

20% toward our goal of $50,013 from the community

59% towards our participation goal <— can we blow this out of the water?

Donate to the TBC online!

“Loving yourself isn’t vanity.  It’s sanity.”  Katrina Mayer

“This life is mine alone.  So, I have stopped asking people for directions to places they’ve never been.”  Glennon Doyle

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do.”  Brené Brown

Dear 4C Women,

The 4 ways to learn to love yourself are spot on and I am thankful to Karen for sharing them.

1.   We talk about rebuilding trust so others will have faith and confidence in our commitment to abstinence and personal growth.  How true that learning to trust our instincts and our decisions in recovery is of utmost importance as well.  It was initially one of the most difficult changes for me to make.  Yet, it is absolutely possible and necessary for moving forward, for building self-esteem.   Listing our positive actions reminds me of sharing positives in our meeting.  It can be challenging even for those who have been attending meetings for a long time.  I used to joke that if we were asked to share negatives, it would be much easier.  What stood out for me in this 1^st guidance tip was the key phrase, to “release doubt;” that love, loving ourselves especially, can release the doubt of feeling unworthy, unlovable, and all those “uns” that we cling to when working on developing love and self-care.

2.   What do you value about yourself?  It took a while for me to acknowledge and answer this question.  I learned to value my loyalty, my empathy, and compassion for others.  It seemed strange at first not to list my accomplishments no matter how small as that was how I defined myself.   Through WFS, I was able to uncover and share my values. It was the inside work I feared to face as I lacked the self-confidence to believe I had anything to offer other than what I did.  So grateful to learn the truth of my authentic value and feel comfortable about expressing it.

3.   Jean spoke often about not comparing ourselves to others. You either feel superior, which removes compassion, or you feel less than and that negates supporting your recovery and well-being.  I sometimes felt triggered by the success of others, whether material possessions or achievements.  I judged myself by a standard that was unrealistic or damaging.  Which goes back to tip #2 in learning to value ourselves, the inside feeling work we do.  That cannot be taken away and is immeasurable.

4.   Oh, boundaries!  This might be the biggest challenge of all and still is at times when it comes to family. There’s so much emotional history attached to creating those boundaries.  In the beginning I felt guilt and shame for a long time and didn’t think I could set boundaries as I was so intent on appeasing/pleasing everyone, never saying no and remained a shell of the 4C woman I wanted to be.  On the outside, I appeared differently than I felt inside.  Once I slowly began setting boundaries, I felt such a sense of freedom and self-love.  I found and spoke my voice with that compassion I felt inside but was afraid to be seen as weak to express.  Goodbye toxic people, condescending people, feeling invisible and undeserving of respect.   I came across this quote:  Accept people where they are, but place them where they belong.  You are the CEO of your life.  Hire, fire and promote accordingly.   A good quote for setting boundaries.

Many times, we discuss the negative baggage we bring into the present.  I believe that practicing Statement #7 is one of those statements that begins the unpacking of old messages that no longer speaks our present truth or serves our recovery journey.  It teaches us to reclaim our power, our self-worth, our deserving of love and self-respect.  Grab it, practice it, unpack the baggage and fill it with love, caring. self-respect and self-care. Dee

“Most people, it seems like they’ve only got one part of the equation down.  Caring for themselves, or caring for someone else.  And I’ve learned how important it is to have both.”  ~~Deb Caletti

“My mission in life is to be kind, compassionate, caring, and loving in order to find and feel the deepest joy of life.”  ~~Debasish Mridha

“To often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”  ~~Leo Buscaglia

#7 Love can change the course of my world.

Caring is all-important.

“Caring is all-important.”  Whoa.  Such a simple sentence in the action part of Statement #7, but it encompasses everything.  Our founder, Jean Kirkpatrick, Ph.D., was ahead of her time and wise beyond her years in understanding the power of love for women in recovery.  On her own journey, Jean began to jot down important observations, ones that could lead to changing course and the WFS New Life Program was born.  Born from love and shared with love.

Addiction can alter perceptions of love. What may seem like loving words or actions can oftentimes feel manipulative or controlling.  Alcohol denied the ability to understand this, and I clung to denial for ease and comfort, but the WFS New Life Program can help change course.

In our WFS Beginner’s Collection booklet it states “Our culture has taught us to be over-dependent on others—by attaching our self-esteem to our relationships and to approval from others.  Our value as a person often depends on our relation to others and not on our own intrinsic worth.  On the other hand, we fear and dread rejection and hurt.  Now is the time to take risks—be open about our feelings—be vulnerable—balance giving and receiving.  Mature, loving relationships can bring us the greatest happiness of all.”  This week, take time to express your love and to practice balance and openness. Notice the emotions and feelings that arise.  How do they differ from last year or even from before your New Life?

Hugzzz

Karen

Hi 4C Women,

Karen’s question reminded me of how much this Statement changed my life, how I learned to love myself without needing the approval of others.  Rejection was my greatest fear and acceptance my greatest need.  Through WFS, I learned that the best way to find acceptance was through my own acknowledgement of my worth and not the opinion of others.  After all, I will always be with me so it’s absolutely imperative that I nourish the caring of me and this is how love can, and did, change the course of my world.  Loving myself opened me up to receiving and giving love to others authentically.

Being vulnerable can be quite scary yet it is that vulnerability that opens doors to genuine relationships.  If sharing who we are, what our needs are, chases someone away, that only leaves more room for those who embrace and encourage our vulnerability in developing caring relationships.  I try to look at relationships as interdependent, the balance of giving and receiving as Karen shared.  We need each other in this life.  The balance is the healthy feeling of enjoying being alone and also spending time with others.  Imbalance is depending solely on others to bolster our self-esteem, to fill our empty love tank, being fearful of expressing our needs for fear of rejection.  For me, this past year created an imbalance with the isolation I experienced.  I realized how much joy I felt being “with” others.  For some, it became comfortable to be isolated to the point where the fear of future interacting in person became a concern.  Initially the isolation became a welcome change from my overly hectic scheduled life.

Further into the pandemic, I understood that too much time alone, not interacting on a more personal level, was creating a void that could be a trigger.  Don’t get me wrong, it took years, but I did eventually learn to enjoy my own company but I also love being with others.  It motivates me, inspires me, brings me great joy – loving the course of my world with wonderful people.  I even missed chatting with people in the grocery store!   However, it is this Statement that made me realize that whether in person, zoom, phone or text, I am grateful for the circle of love in my life.  Even in physical isolation, I had so much love from the women I have been privileged to know through WFS.  I believe I could write that on my gratitude list every night.

Love, caring is an action, not just a feeling.  Are you aware of how you fill your own personal love tank, showing love to yourself, how you show caring to others?   Is your love and caring in balance?  This is an important question as I have found many women with addictions tend to be people pleasers, neglecting their own needs.  It’s exhausting!  So, Statement #7 is practicing self-care, self-love and having the energy to be caring about others.

Bonded in a balanced, loving, caring, sober life to enjoy, Dee

Hear more about Statement #7 in this video!

“Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?”  ~~Danielle LaPorte

“Just because love don’t look the way you think it should, don’t mean you don’t have it.”  ~~Leslye Walton

“I will not try to convince you to love me, to respect me, to commit to me.  I deserve better than that; I AM BETTER THAN THAT…. Goodbye.”  ~~Steve Maraboli

#7 Love can change the course of my world.

Caring is all-important.

In our WFS Program booklet it states from our own Dee, “Love yourself, love others, free yourself from the fear of rejection and let that be the way to fill your heart, your soul, and your spirit.” Statement #7 in action offers an ever-widening portal for love to grow and even flourish in our New Lives.  Sobriety and recovery is an act of love that begins with ourselves and radiates outward as we transform and thrive.

Before New Life, I tolerated and even excused painful behaviors from myself and from others.  It eventually took a heavy toll, losing sight of any sense of self or authenticity creating a woman I no longer liked or even recognized.  It was a painful way to exist, yet the solution lay within…love.

This 4C journey is an act of love, one that grows and evolves.  Beginning with ourselves, we can widen our circle of love like ripples on the water.  At the start of sobriety, each time we say NO to alcohol or drugs we say YES to ourselves. This is the center and most focused of ripples that sets another in motion and we learn that we do indeed have the ability to reduce negativity and manage our thoughts.  Another ripple outward sees us creating and living our new view of ourself while the next has us directing our thoughts.  Love continues to cascade outward in the next ripple where we work on our relationships and recognize priorities, grow emotionally/spiritually, and continue to take responsibility.  The wonderful thing about these expanding ripples of love is that as they enlarge, they touch countless other ripples out there and make a difference, creating waves of love that are infinite.

Here are 13 ways to practice love:

1. Learn who you are right now:  You are beginning fresh this day, this week.  What do you like, believe or value?
2. Be present:  Focus on the here and now.  It is the only moment available.  The past is gone and the present is in the future.
3. What are your strengths?  Write them down and continue to add to this list.  You have skills and talents, acknowledge them.
4. Release comparison:  Observe yourself (not judge) with your own yardstick.  It is not fair to you to compare to someone else.  We are all different and have different experiences.
5. Embrace your feelings:  They are temporary and always changing.  Even the uncomfortable is temporary.
6. Set boundaries:  Say NO when you feel you need to.  Boundaries let others know that you deserve and expect respect.
7. Embrace assertiveness: You matter.  Stand up for yourself in small ways first.  If you don’t, who will?
8. Reserve time for just you:  Your morning meditation time to read the Statements and/or journal is a great start to schedule yourself as a priority.
9. Release the past and forgive yourself:  Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend, including all the big stuff.
10. Honesty: Be truthful with yourself and others.  Building trust begins with honesty.  Start with yourself.
11. Carve out time for nature:  Something magical happens when we can spend time outdoors.  Get your hands muddy in the garden or walk without headphones.
12. List your accomplishments no matter the size:  Make the bed today? Finish a project?  On the list it goes.  Create a notebook of your efforts.  Watch yourself grow!
13. Get physical:  Yoga, walking, weights, cycling?  What moves you?  Get your body moving, set a routine.

Hugzzz

Karen

Hi 4C Women,

I love the analogy of ripples of love cascading from self-love to loving, caring friendships and relationships.  Someone once told me that we touch more than one life when we share the WFS program.  We touch the lives of each women that ripples out to their families, friends, co-workers, all their relationships!  That is a powerful image of how important love and caring for ourselves and others can change the course of our world and theirs.

Here is a love challenge:

With a person you love/care about, (spouse, partner, sibling, child, friend, parent/grandparent, etc.) write down 5 things you love/value about them.  You could even invite that person to share 5 things they love/value about you.   Share your list with them.

Find a photo or write down a memory when you felt great affection for another.  Write down how you felt at that moment.  Spend time sharing about and reliving this experience with this person.

Reach out to someone who has been on your mind with either a phone call or card.  There has been a lot of isolation this past year and it would be such a caring, loving act to let someone know you are thinking of them.

Practice active listening, showing you care about that person’s feelings and needs.  It is amazing how doing this can be a teaching and learning experience for all.

Thanks to Karen for sharing my quote from the Program Booklet.  I was so filled with the fear of rejection from past experiences that it was extremely challenging to accept and practice Statement #7.  That fear built a very tall, strong wall.  And while I did work through my fear of rejection, I sure wish I had Karen’s 13 ways to practice love back then.  It would have made my transition a bit easier to say the least.  I encourage each of you to hold on to the list and with practice and perseverance, love can change the course of your world and caring will become all important.

Please check the Meaningful May calendar that was in last Monday’s Thoughts.  It is all about Statement #7.   Lots of love and caring to share, Dee

In case you missed it, read the official WFS Strategic Plan announcement here. This was sent to our entire News & Announcements email list – if you didn’t receive it, please be sure to sign up for that email list at womenforsobriety.org/email

“Love yourself first, because that’s who you will be spending the rest of your life with.”  ~~Unknown

“Love yourself enough to set boundaries.  Your time and energy are precious.  You get to choose how you use it.”  ~~Anna Taylor

 “The fact that someone else loves you doesn’t rescue you from the project of loving yourself.”  ~~Sahaj Kohli

#7 Love can change the course of my world.

Caring is all-important.

The need for love is basic human yearning and as children many turned to parents for that critical life affirmation.  But what happens when we only equate love with someone else?  We lose the ability to love ourselves and satisfy our own needs. This can open the door to unhealthy dependencies and addiction. However, sobriety and Statement #7 practiced daily can create a portal for self-love to blossom so that we may comfort, protect, and develop ourselves.

Self-love is not selfish; it is akin to the old adage of “putting on your own oxygen mask first.”  Being able to care about meeting our needs reinforces that we are worthwhile and validates ourselves.  Initially, this was difficult to understand and embrace.  It felt unfamiliar and uneasy, but as I practiced the WFS Statements, I began to look at myself differently and was able to love myself.

Discovering how to love ourselves on this journey of sobriety and recovery can take many forms, from an inward circle of health consciousness to outer boundary settings and everything in-between.  This week take some time to make yourself a priority and love yourself.  Look deep and reflect where you need more self-love and take at least one action towards it.  Share your insights in a journal, group or on the WFS Online Forum, after all, you’re worth it!

Hugzzz

Karen

Hi 4C Women,

Self-care is a major part of the path to self-love.  For many women, the guilt of our past choices leads us to neglect ourselves and overcompensate by doing way too much for others, expecting it to fill our empty love tank.  When we decide to take the path of self-care, we either feel selfish or are told we are being selfish.  For me, it became about finding balance, setting healthy boundaries which eventually led to self-respect and self-love. This was difficult at first because it felt so uncomfortable giving positive attention to myself.

I remember doing so much for my family that I felt guilty for doing anything that could be seen as taking time away from them.  I also saw myself doing the same thing when I was working and volunteering.  I was the classic example of “rejection” fear if I started practicing self-care and doing less for others in the process.  Rejection meant I was unlovable and what that finally lead to was a very unhappy, self-loathing woman who coped by drinking.  When I eventually learned to say no (which is a complete sentence), I was quite surprised that the world didn’t stop turning or at least partially collapse!  While I still struggle with balancing self-care and giving care, I know there is a foundation of self-love.

That foundation has become a sort of alarm system that starts a warning beep when the batteries are getting low.  As Statement #7 says, Love can change the course of my world, caring is all important.  Be sure you are part of that love and caring.  If it’s a challenge to do so, ask yourself if you love yourself enough to practice self-care.  If the answer is no, find ways to begin filling your love tank with positive self-talk, be compassionate with yourself as you are with others, refute those self-esteem wreckers I call the inner critic.  One way to do that is to name the inner critic and when it starts sending old, untruthful messages from the past, politely ask them to be quiet and flick them off your shoulder!

What’s your inner critic’s name and are you ready to refute the negative, false messages it is whispering in your ear?  I sometimes give the positive messages my name and just say, “Dee, you are so correct! You may stay on my shoulder and continue whispering wonderful things about who I am TODAY.”   I am including a writing that helped me tremendously on this self-love, self-caring path of recovery.  It especially helped me when I was going through my separation and divorce.  I hope you find it uplifting as well.

 The Most Important Relationship

By Jo Coudert

You do not need to be loved… not at the cost of yourself.

The single most important relationship which is central is the relationship with self.

It is rewarding to find someone you like but essential to like yourself.

It is quickening to recognize that someone is a decent human being but it is indispensable to view yourself that way.

It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect, admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself worthy of respect, admiration and love.

For you cannot live in someone else.

Of all the people you will ever know in a lifetime, you are the only one that you will never lose or leave.

To the question of your life, you are the answer.

To the problem of your life, you are the solution.

Bonded in self-care, self-love and knowing that caring is all important, Dee

 “Don’t forget to love yourself” – Soren Kierkegaard

“Love is not just something we say or write.  Love is the face we put on, the clothes we wear, the way we walk and move…our very heart and soul.”  – Amy E. Dean from Night Light.

We are all willing to love and we agree with the premise that love can change the course of our world.  But it’s doing it that’s tough because we must reveal ourselves, we must give of ourselves and not be afraid if rejection follows.  Are we afraid to love because we might be turned away? “ – Dr. Jean Kirkpatrick, Founder of WFS