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Hi 4C Women,

These past several weeks, I have felt love so deeply from the WFS sisters who attend my zoom and face-to-face meetings along with those who have reached out to me, needing support and giving support. I often wonder how different my life would be if I had not found WFS so many years ago. I find it difficult at times to express the pure joy I feel at the friendships I have formed, the love I experienced at the WFS conferences presenting workshops with Nina, dancing with abandon in a large circle at one of the WFS conferences, facilitating meetings and having lunch with a dear friend to celebrate a special occasion. I can say those moments, those memories, I feel that I am giving love and feeling loved.

I find it easier to give love and yet have come to understand that receiving and accepting love is important to my emotional well-being. I still have those moments when I find it difficult to believe that I am loved. It is at those moments that I stop, take a deep breath, and let the love into my heart. My fear of showing my vulnerability, to be authentic and perhaps to be rejected, no longer holds me hostage. While I felt unlovable for so long, to say Statement #10 out loud brings a smile across my face and the acceptance is palpable. Plus, I have learned that giving love and being loved are not confined to romantic love. That was a huge revelation. I have loving friendships, love of my dog, family love, love of decorating, writing, and showing compassion for myself and others. Through Statement #10, I have discovered that there is so much to love in this world. I read that if you want to be loved, start loving others who need your love. I feel that WFS has taught me that, to see others with caring and compassion, to listen, to support and encourage their path in recovery, and to acknowledge their fearlessness and willingness to survive and thrive. That is how we see them authentically, without any judgment, and for them to see us in the same way.

Do you believe love changes you? If so, in what way?
What’s one thing about love that scares you? How are you working to change or lessen that feeling/fear?
Define love in 5 words.
What is the most vulnerable way you let someone into your life?
Who do you love and who loves you?
Who do you have trouble loving and why?
What do you love doing that brings loving feelings into your life and endless smiles?
How do you know that you are loved?

Bonded in love given and returning, Dee

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We’ve got some great keynote speakers and workshops lined up for the 2022 WFS Conference! You can find more information about conference presenters at womenforsobriety.org/conference

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Hi 4C Women,

Forgiveness was possibly the most difficult feeling to work through. Once I understood that forgiveness was to heal me, and give my time and energy to the healing changes of my personal and emotional growth, I felt the most empowering feeling of all – freedom! It took a bit of research to understand what forgiveness is not and that was a tremendous help. 

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation

Forgiveness is not forgetting

Forgiveness is not condoning or excusing

You may need to forgive the same person more than once

Forgiveness is not always justice if serious harm has been done without consequences. Again, it is giving peace to yourself. 

Forgiveness is a powerful choice you can make when it’s right for you that can lead to greater well-being and relationships (especially the one you have with yourself). 

 

While it was difficult to accept my role in past behaviors, I began to understand that it was part of making important emotional, behavioral, and spiritual changes to create a New Life. As Dr. Phil says, we can’t change what we don’t acknowledge. That acknowledgment took me out of the blame game and empowering changes began to happen. I learned what I needed to work on, to heal so I would take both responsibility for my reactions/responses in the past and, importantly, in the present. I was and am in charge of my choices and my responses. Again, empowering freedom.

Another change that I have become more aware of as each year passes is focusing on the positive past. I believe that sharing our positives at the meetings as it relates to one of the Statements, has provided that awareness that I previously ignored. Recalling and focusing on the negative past was so easy yet it left me stuck, hating myself with each recollection. The best gift of recalling the positive past is that I greatly reduced that hurtful, harmful feeling of shame and guilt. While I get melancholy when reflecting on the wonderful memories of the past and miss those times, I have learned to turn that feeling into gratefulness. While much has changed in the past 34 sober years, my gratitude for experiencing healthy friendships, new adventures, learning to be spontaneous (a huge change for me), finding and speaking my voice, acknowledging my achievements with pride, expressing my feelings through writing, creating conference workshops with Nina, admiring the courageous women I have met through WFS, making authentic life changes, all bring a smile to my face.

My life has changed a lot as it has for many yet I cherish the ability to view it with gratitude, natural sadness at times, and best of all, the major reduction of shame and guilt which never served me well. Of course, there is the guilt that is a life lesson when it teaches us what not to do or say that is hurtful or harmful to others and ourselves. The other guilt, which I call useless guilt, is when it hampers or holds us back in forgiving ourselves and moving forward with love and compassion. We cannot change what has happened but we can change how we view it and no longer victimize ourselves by what cannot be changed. The important thing is to learn, change our inside self-talk, and most of all, change our behavior and responses. This is the best outcome of practicing Statement #9. 

I encourage you to think about what you have learned from exploring your past. 

Have you learned forgiveness for yourself and others? 

Can you reflect on your positive past and feel grateful for the experiences? What are those grateful moments?  

In accepting your feelings, and reactions to exploring the past, can you remember what Karen shared – that your feelings are valid? How does that feel to say it, to believe it? 

Bond in forgiving, healing, and learning from the past to no longer be victimized but become a new woman, a 4C Woman, Dee

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Open your invitation and take a look at the Blooming Sale Catalog and register to be ready to purchase or bid June 10-11!  The catalog at womenforsobriety.org/bloomingsale is online now.

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Hi 4C Women,
I always thought, and have shared this over the years, that I thought all my major life decisions would be made and completely accomplished by age 40. As I have grown older, way past 40, I learned gratefully that life provides numerous opportunities along with choices to continue achieving emotional and spiritual growth. As Karen shared, there is no destination but plenty of roads to travel.

One of my favorite things about the WFS program and this Statement, in particular, is that emotional and spiritual growth is a personal, individual, unique journey. How I define my priorities, my spiritual journey, and ways to achieve emotional growth belong solely to me. While we may share commonalities, our history, our openness to seek support, willingness to change, and setting specific priorities is our choice, and our decisions to make. And as we learn life lessons, we learn to set different priorities. That is the beauty of emotional and spiritual growth.

Before recovery, emotionally I was still thinking like a teenager who was hurt by her bio father at age 16. That life lesson changed me in a powerful but definitely not a positive way. It certainly affected my self-esteem; skewed my priorities. It took therapy and sobriety to address those issues and heal. Before I made those life changes, I had no idea of how to make myself a priority that would empower me to know my core values and create a New Life of self-love and self-worth. Through determined perseverance, thought patterns changed, behavior changed, and I became a New Woman! I started thinking about what mattered the most to me, known as core values. I questioned whether I was spending quality time on those core values, where my focus and time were spent.

I encourage you to make a list of your core values. Be courageous, and fearless in writing down what matters most to you. I say this because I initially found myself writing what I thought I “should” consider my core values according to societal standards. It was quite a challenge to be authentically and soulfully honest. I finally understood that if I was to grow emotionally and spiritually, I needed that complete honesty with myself. And I as grew over the years, my core values changed and shifted. It was exciting to recognize and be okay with that shift.

As you look over your core values, i.e., career, family and/or friendships, fun/recreation, health/fitness environment/home, money, significant relationships, and any important aspect of your life, how much time do you spend on them?

If you find yourself needing to shift your invaluable time according to your listing of core values, what is your action plan to start doing that?
How do you show up for yourself when setting priorities? In other words, are your core values connected to your current needs?

Answering these few questions will be a guide to making a conscious effort to set the right priorities that speak to your heart. I often think of our emotional and spiritual history as a compass, directing us in creating change, becoming resilient in the discomfort of healing, and pain, and value our worth.

Bonded in setting priorities and spending focused time on your emotional and spiritual growth, Dee

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The 2022 WFS Conference – Bloom – will be in beautiful, fun, and funky Portland, Oregon at Portland State University.

Register now!!

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Hi 4C Women,

I had been talking to a friend about helping a family member who was resistant to helping themselves and it was wearing me down. I was exhausted and frustrated. My friend looked at me with concern and said, “You can’t care more than they do.” It was one of those light bulb moments!  I understood that while it is compassionate to care about others, leaving myself out of the equation of caring and self-love can empty my own love tank. And when the well is dry, it is next to impossible to give what you don’t have. This is not a new theory yet it felt brand new to me in recovery. Statement #7 was going to the well, filling my bucket with self-love, and sharing love with others –creating a beautiful balance.  It is self-love and self-care that provided me the vulnerability to be open to loving others authentically while still taking care of my needs. I always thought it was one or the other. Sacrifice was the way I lived yet it was at the expense of my own peace and contentment. It was through WFS, Statement #7, that taught me my world could encompass loving myself and others without sacrificing either. The only difference was that I began setting boundaries when I felt I cared way too much than they did. These boundaries were and still are, at times, challenging for me depending mostly on with whom I am setting them. Family is definitely the most challenging because of the emotional history and roles we have played for many years. My need for acceptance was way out of proportion to the point of being emotionally unhealthy, even unattainable. I was in such fear of rejection. Who would love me if I didn’t ignore my needs and focused only on the needs of others? There was no balance, no recognition that I mattered.  Being a facilitator taught me more about caring than I ever dreamed possible. I began to feel cared about as I cared about the women who courageously walked into a meeting, searching for a New Life. My heart, my love tank, was no longer empty. It is incomprehensible at times to reflect on the woman I was – fearful, self-loathing, believing I was unlovable, unworthy of love. This Statement offered a real opportunity to change my negative self-talk. The more I let go of my fears, the more I let love in, knowing and believing that I am truly worthy of giving and receiving love.

Was there a time in your life when love changed the course of your world? What were the circumstances?

How do you practice self-care?

Do you struggle with being a people pleaser? If so, have you considered setting boundaries to create a balance between giving to others and also getting your own needs met?

How difficult is it to set boundaries? Do you find it depends on the person or situation?

Do you know when you’re giving too much? What are the signs?

How do you speak to yourself when it comes to self-love and self-worth?

What is your greatest fear of being vulnerable?

Authentic love truly changes the course of your world when a balance is created and the choice is made to love yourself as well as others, Dee

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Here is where the Teddy Bear Challenge is on May 2:

92 donors have collectively donated $9,975!

Plus we have a pledge of $50,013 in available matching funds!

Including matching funds … we are now at $19,949!!!

20% toward our goal of $50,013 from the community

59% towards our participation goal <— can we blow this out of the water?

Donate to the TBC online!

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Hi 4C Women,

As I read Karen’s message, I was thinking of how much the pandemic taught me to be okay with my ordinary New Life in recovery. It’s been many years since I discovered and began to practice the 13 WFS Statements yet I am so grateful for the coping tools I have learned. The isolation was the most challenging during the pandemic as I feel such joy being “with” people. I laughed when I saw a post on social media that said going grocery shopping was now considered their social outing. That was me! I wasn’t escaping through alcohol to cope with loneliness or belittling myself for not taking better advantage of my free time. I learned how to zoom, continued writing, calling, or emailing my family and friends and women inquiring about WFS. I felt peace among the challenges. When I didn’t, when the loneliness would kick in, I reached out. I have gone back to f2f meetings every 2^nd and 4^th Monday of the month. This past Monday I had 4 new women attend. My heart was exploding with joy and thinking of the courage it took for each of those women to walk through the door. I actually felt nervous as I love WFS so much and hoped the women could feel that love coming through, especially the hope of having a New Life in recovery.

I also had women there who have been consistently attending, supporting and encouraging each other. They absolutely made the meeting a welcoming place for the new women, perhaps recalling their own bravery in coming to a meeting for the first time. I felt the greatness of their compassion and caring for every woman there. Talk about life being ordinary or great!

I came across a message I wrote about the great moments I had with my granddaughter when she was a teenager. She is now 25. It is amazing how I had forgotten how much I treasured those moments and am so grateful I wrote about them. Something as simple as clothes shopping or big as watching her compete in barrel racing. It is being aware, being in the moment, that helps us to understand and appreciate those fleeting moments, those enormous moments and have them bring the ordinary into greatness.

I hope you will put into practice what Karen has suggested. Writing about gratefulness can be a place to visit when we need a personal reminder of what is positive in our lives – a wonderful balance.

Bonded in creating balance as we experience the ordinary and the extraordinary, Dee

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KEYNOTE SPEAKERS

Jolene Park

Author of Gray Area Drinking
Functional Nutritionist, Health Coach

Eboni Jewel Sears

Peer Recovery Support Specialist
Recovery Advocate
Ph.D. Student in Transpersonal Counseling