Month: February 2022

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Dear 4C Women,

Even though I wasn’t at this beautiful celebration, my heart swelled with the love being experienced and expressed as Karen described the many moments of love at her daughter’s wedding.

As Karen talked about severed relationships during active addiction, I thought of all the women who have shared similar situations over the years. It is so important to understand that self-forgiveness and forgiveness from others is the path to all love given returning. We need to learn how to forgive ourselves so we can seek forgiveness from others. It is this authentic forgiveness that sets us free to give love and learn to know we are loved.

At the beginning of my recovery journey, I have to say that my negative attitude blocked feeling loved by anyone, including myself. I was giving love in hopes of receiving it yet I built a wall so impenetrable that nothing felt believable. As my negative attitude decreased thanks to Statement #2, I chipped away at the wall of being unlovable and slowly let love, self-love, and forgiveness/self-forgiveness enter into my sober life. As my marriage ended, I also realized that love comes in many forms. It wasn’t always about romantic love.

As I looked closely at my relationships in recovery, I realized that my life was filled with love in so many ways. I was one of the fortunate people who loved the work I did at the YWCA, learned to develop deep friendships, had a new life purpose in facilitating WFS meetings, more time to spend with family, learning self-care, and so much more as time passed. I saw a plaque the other day that had a familiar phrase – Bloom where you are planted – yet this one said “Grow where you are planted.” I thought about emotional and spiritual growth in Statement #8. As personal growth was blooming, I was growing! I was growing where I was planted – single, working mom, responsible, forgiving myself for what I could not change, and learning to forgive and seek forgiveness.

The end result was that love given does return and I finally believed that I was loved! Before that, when love was expressed, my self-talk was oh sure, you love me but my heart said it couldn’t’ be true because I didn’t love myself so why would anybody really love me. It was lonely. So, it goes back to learning to love and forgive ourselves so we can grow where we are planted right now. And for me, the most important lesson was, as I mentioned before, love comes from many different sources. Embrace what brings you joy, what makes you smile when you are in that space. There is love in volunteering, friendships, family, pets, hobbies, travel, nature, groups that support our joy such as WFS, book clubs, hiking, and lots more. Seek it, be vulnerable to it, love it, and be loved in return.

Bonded in practicing the WFS program with all its phenomenal statements and learning to give love, knowing you are loved, Dee

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Get excited & start making plans: 2022 WFS Conference!

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Dear 4C Women,

Every word Karen has written resonates with me, especially lifting the weight of many years of suffering by understanding and changing my internal dialogue.  I could feel that weight lift as I recall the moment when I realized that I was victimizing myself by living in the past rather than healing from it. The self-punishment I placed on myself was relentless. I am grateful for Statement #9. It became my favorite Statement and literally changed my outlook which impacted my recovery in a phenomenal way.

If I had to describe it in one word, it would be “freedom.” I never imagined that I could look at past regrets and immediately tell myself that it can’t be changed and instead ask what I can do for myself today, what life lesson have I learned to use in the present? That is my current self-talk. No more wasting precious time by heaping pain on my heart but leaving the past where it belongs and bringing the empowering life- lessons into the present.  People talk about red flags and that is one big lesson I learned from the past as healing isn’t only about our actions, our behaviors but also how we have been treated. It’s part of the healing process to recognize hurt comes in from others. There are times when I reflect on the past and feel sad or angry yet it is a temporary reflection and I believe a healthy one. It is a reminder that I have worked darn hard on healing and creating my New Life. I recognize when I am being treated in a disrespectful manner, begin feeling unheard, invisible, and less than. What a relief to know this and respond accordingly to protect my well-being. I am a new woman!

I encourage each of you to forgive and heal from your past, relish your ability to learn life lessons and grow from them, set boundaries for those who tend to keep bringing your past into the present to cause you to hurt, know you are worthy of a New Life and cherish the woman you are and are becoming.

Bonded in healing and nurturing your well-being, Dee

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“That is what learning is.  You suddenly understand something you’ve understood all your life, but in a new way.”  Doris Lessing

“We go through life.  We shed our skins.  We become ourselves.”  Patti Smith

“We have to continue to learn.  We have to be open.  And we have to be ready to release our knowledge in order to come to a higher understanding of reality.”  Thich Nhat Hanh

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Dear 4C Women,

Learning is a never-ending journey and I am glad to have accepted that.  I use to be so hard on myself if I made a choice that didn’t support my emotional and spiritual recovery even when I thought it did.   When I finally decided to view my choices as learning tools, I experienced a whole new attitude about “me.”  I began to feel that emotional/spiritual growth and threw away that beating me up tool and started building a toolbox of “great try, wonderful acceptance of learning and growing emotionally and spiritually, positive change in attitude, keep going, you’re worth it.”

Why do we need emotional and spiritual growth? It guides us in recognizing our feelings as teachers and allies that are there to tell us what our needs are, whether our needs are being met, and what circumstances in our lives may require change in order to meet those needs.   That was hugely challenging as I was such a people pleaser that it seemed selfish to consider my needs first or at all.  Emotional growth taught me that I matter, that loving and respecting my value was what I needed in order to have compassion for myself as I had for others.  The biggest lesson was that quitting drinking was not the complete answer to recovery – not even close.  It became clear to me that it was about changing my thoughts which began to change my actions and reactions, making myself a priority in meeting my needs, uncovering my spiritual path, learning to be proactive, speaking my truthful voice and loving, respecting and forgiving myself enough to make these changes.

When you think about where you are at this moment in your emotional and spiritual growth, are you aware of your needs?  If not, what actions do you feel are important to take to know and meet your needs, to put yourself on your priority list?  I encourage you to start small and work through any fear of creating your personal path of emotional and spiritual growth if you realize that it becomes confusing, difficult, or uncomfortable.  For those who have been working on setting priorities, can you share with others how you were able to dig deep and discover your needs and follow through with actions to accomplish them?  We are together on this path.   This is the beauty of the WFS community.  We support, share and encourage each other.

As you go through this week, I hope you will consider setting priorities that are personal to you. In other words, not what you think or you are told you “should” do but what you discover matters to you.  May you discover and uncover your wants, needs and value, finding a way to meet them.  You deserve it!

Bonded in continuing to be open to learning and growing emotionally and spiritually, Dee

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“Loving yourself isn’t vanity.  It’s sanity.”  Katrina Mayer

“This life is mine alone.  So, I have stopped asking people for directions to places they’ve never been.”  Glennon Doyle

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do.”  Brené Brown

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Dear 4C Women,

The 4 ways to learn to love yourself are spot on and I am thankful to Karen for sharing them.

1.   We talk about rebuilding trust so others will have faith and confidence in our commitment to abstinence and personal growth.  How true that learning to trust our instincts and our decisions in recovery is of utmost importance as well.  It was initially one of the most difficult changes for me to make.  Yet, it is absolutely possible and necessary for moving forward, for building self-esteem.   Listing our positive actions reminds me of sharing positives in our meeting.  It can be challenging even for those who have been attending meetings for a long time.  I used to joke that if we were asked to share negatives, it would be much easier.  What stood out for me in this 1^st guidance tip was the key phrase, to “release doubt;” that love, loving ourselves especially, can release the doubt of feeling unworthy, unlovable, and all those “uns” that we cling to when working on developing love and self-care.

2.   What do you value about yourself?  It took a while for me to acknowledge and answer this question.  I learned to value my loyalty, my empathy, and compassion for others.  It seemed strange at first not to list my accomplishments no matter how small as that was how I defined myself.   Through WFS, I was able to uncover and share my values. It was the inside work I feared to face as I lacked the self-confidence to believe I had anything to offer other than what I did.  So grateful to learn the truth of my authentic value and feel comfortable about expressing it.

3.   Jean spoke often about not comparing ourselves to others. You either feel superior, which removes compassion, or you feel less than and that negates supporting your recovery and well-being.  I sometimes felt triggered by the success of others, whether material possessions or achievements.  I judged myself by a standard that was unrealistic or damaging.  Which goes back to tip #2 in learning to value ourselves, the inside feeling work we do.  That cannot be taken away and is immeasurable.

4.   Oh, boundaries!  This might be the biggest challenge of all and still is at times when it comes to family. There’s so much emotional history attached to creating those boundaries.  In the beginning I felt guilt and shame for a long time and didn’t think I could set boundaries as I was so intent on appeasing/pleasing everyone, never saying no and remained a shell of the 4C woman I wanted to be.  On the outside, I appeared differently than I felt inside.  Once I slowly began setting boundaries, I felt such a sense of freedom and self-love.  I found and spoke my voice with that compassion I felt inside but was afraid to be seen as weak to express.  Goodbye toxic people, condescending people, feeling invisible and undeserving of respect.   I came across this quote:  Accept people where they are, but place them where they belong.  You are the CEO of your life.  Hire, fire and promote accordingly.   A good quote for setting boundaries.

Many times, we discuss the negative baggage we bring into the present.  I believe that practicing Statement #7 is one of those statements that begins the unpacking of old messages that no longer speaks our present truth or serves our recovery journey.  It teaches us to reclaim our power, our self-worth, our deserving of love and self-respect.  Grab it, practice it, unpack the baggage and fill it with love, caring. self-respect and self-care. Dee

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