Month: November 2021

“We can make ourselves miserable or we can make ourselves strong.  The amount of effort is the same.”  ~~Pema Chödrön

“In retrospect dear one, you will understand your entire life was but choices, made one after the other in the name of love, or preserving that love.  Nothing will be wrong or broken, just choices made either way, in the name of your heart.”  ~~Sarah Blondin

How would you feel about your past if you released your judgments about it? The past is gone forever, yet the stories we attach to it can prolong emotional imbalance. What if every choice you have made, every decision or action taken was about you arriving in this very moment?  What would be different? Would you be more understanding and feel greater compassion towards yourself and others?  By reframing and redefining the past, Statement #9 helped me become a new 4C woman.

As women navigating sobriety and recovery, oftentimes we can place unrealistic expectations on ourselves.  This can in turn create a closed circle of emotional turmoil without an end in sight.  Another unhealthy practice is applying today’s knowledge/understanding to yesterday’s actions/experiences.  Neither way is an effective or helpful way to move through or manage the past.  Yet the practice of Statement #9 fosters healing and forgiveness.

Some past experiences were traumatic and needed additional resources.  Therapy and WFS connections, along with actively practicing the Statements enabled me to move through the most painful of moments.  Choosing to let go of self-punishment and guilt became easier when I redefined my inner language and reframed past situations.  Self-forgiveness became a reality, and I actually felt like a new woman.  The past no longer defines me, I define it!

Hugzzz

Karen

Hi 4C Women,

Forgiveness – it took me a while to realize that the first person I had to forgive was myself.  I had the key to unlock the door and remove the punishment I was imposing on myself by keeping the painful part of my past alive and well in the present.  What Karen shared about releasing judgment from our behavior, decisions and actions in the past is what Statement #9 is all about.  Keeping guilt and shame at the forefront for what we cannot change hinders emotional growth and the ability to learn and change.  It holds us hostage rather than freeing us to learn from our mistakes and work on healing.  I used to fantasize about all the “what ifs” and how perfect my life could have been if I had not made all the awful choices I did.  I am grateful for Statement #9 which empowered me to learn to live in the present and no longer victimize myself.

Most of all, I understood that there is no perfect life.  No matter if I had made consistent wise choices, perfection is an impossible, even harmful goal.  I learned that I was bemoaning a past I could never change while those I held resentment/hurt/pain/regrets toward were most likely not even thinking of me with the same intensity that I was experiencing, if at all.  So much time was being wasted in focusing on the past, reliving events that only hurt me.  That is how I was victimizing myself, going over my mistakes again and again with such harsh judgment and for what?  This does not mean we ignore or downplay hurt we’ve caused.  If someone approaches me with a hurt from the past, I acknowledge it just as I would want the person I am seeking forgiveness for the hurt they caused me, to do.  I then ask them what do they need from me today to heal our relationship.  This makes them part of the solution, a way to work through hurt and be in the present.

All of this living in the painful past led me to realize that I had to find a healthier focus, a way to show by my actions, that I was learning from my past, that forgiveness began with me and then others when I felt strong enough.  Giving myself that time and understanding that forgiving may not always be a one-time decision.  I learned that when I went through my divorce.  I found myself having to forgive quite often and that’s okay because it’s what I needed to heal.

I encourage any woman who has experienced trauma to seek additional support as Karen suggested.  There is no reason for any woman to take this journey alone.  Whether it is a WFS group, online support or a professional counselor.  This is the time to build a strong support system.

When you begin considering forgiving others, please keep these points in mind:

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation and this is important.  Forgiveness releases you from your personal pain.  If that person is someone who is toxic, there is no need to remain in a relationship.

Forgiveness is not forgetting.  Focusing on “forgetting” a wrong might lead to denying or suppressing feelings about it which is not the same as forgiveness.  Forgiveness has taken place when you can remember the wrong that was done without feeling resentment or a desire to pursue revenge.    Denying my feelings only led me to drink to escape or numb.

Forgiveness is not condoning or excusing.  Forgiveness provides a healthy choice to protect yourself, including choosing not to reconcile.

One very positive effect from practicing Statement #9 is that as I healed, I allowed the beautiful moments from my past to come forward.  The past wasn’t all pain and my choice to be so one sided was a belief that I was flawed so badly that I didn’t deserve the happiness of those joyful memories.  Wrong!

Bonded in releasing the past, making a powerful choice to forgive yourself and when it’s right for you to forgive others and from that, building authentic, healthy relationships, including the most important one, the one you have with yourself, Dee

Hear more about Statement #9!

“A garden requires patient labor and attention. Plants do not grow merely to satisfy ambitions or to fulfill good intentions. They thrive because someone expended effort on them.”  ~~Liberty Hyde Bailey

“The results you achieve will be in direct proportion to the effort you apply.”  ~~Denis Waitley

“But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful.”  ~~Elizabeth Edwards

#6 Life can be ordinary or it can be great.

Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.

Many of the efforts before my New Life were directed towards escaping life. This fueled my alcohol use and it quickly, and easily spiraled out of control. Reflecting back, I was merely existing, numb to the outside world. Sobriety changed that and with practice of Statement #6, I am investing in life today.

Some days it can be easier to put in effort, while others more difficult. Many of us are venturing out more since the pandemic started and it feels different. We have been hidden away, unable to connect and now new routines are becoming more familiar. It has taken great effort to reach this point, so I like to remind myself of how far we have come.

Paying attention to where our attention is and making effort to be present is daily practice of Statement #6. Just like with a garden of floral beauty, if I want to have an attractive garden of balance, contentment and love, I need to apply the effort. In our WFS Program booklet it states, “Sobriety is a rewarding experience for those who invest in the moments of each day.”  Remind yourself every day that you are worth investing in!

Hugzzz
Karen

Hi 4C Women,

I love the analogy Karen shared of creating a garden of balance.  It is that balance that keeps us moving forward and creating awareness of the ability we possess to focus on the positive moments we experience.  My neighbor is keenly aware of her environment and whenever there is a magnificent sunset, she will ring my doorbell and ask me to come outside and view it.  The first time she apologized for bothering me and I assured her I was grateful for sharing the experience of the most magnificent sunset that day.  Now, she feels very comfortable ringing the doorbell when one of those sunsets appears on the horizon.  A simple gesture, a beautiful memory.  I would have missed it if not for my thoughtful neighbor.

I am also realizing that empowerment and respectful assertiveness makes my life greater.  I no longer have to hide my fear of speaking my voice by hiding it in drinking.  In fact, drinking either gave me false courage or going deeper into hiding my voice which never created real inside change, leaving me feel empty.  How many times can one apologize for their words, their behavior?  This is where the inside change makes life great.  If my past behavior or words are brought to my attention, I acknowledge it.  But that’s where it stops and a new way of communicating begins.  I ask what I can do to heal the hurt.  This creates awareness in the person as to how we can and need to work together, not continually punishing me for something I cannot change.  Through the years, I have worked diligently on expressing myself as a sober woman, not in anger but with thoughtfulness in hopes of being heard.  This is another time when pausing before responding helps me.  It’s not always easy or done as well as I hoped yet it’s a great improvement over the way I spoke when drinking.  This is the beauty of the WFS program.  While I may falter in my words or approach, I haven’t given up or gone back to hiding in an unhealthy way.

Life certainly is not ordinary, especially the past couple of years.  I believe this has helped me focus on moments that I ignored in the past.  I find myself stopping to listen to the birds chirping in my back yard and I feel a smile cross my face.  I listen more intently when people share their feelings, in awe that they trust me that much to do so.  Before WFS, I didn’t listen well at all.  I was focused on preparing my comments before a person even finished a sentence.   I am grateful for the great gift of learning through WFS.

I also believe that as I work on fine tuning my awareness of the ordinary that makes life great, I am filled with hope.  That hope gives me courage – courage to change, to heal, live in peace, even be bold at times.  How will you practice this new awareness?  What changes are you willing to make to have the hope of improved relationships, including the most important one – the one you have with yourself?

I realize, as Karen has shared about how far we have all come, especially in the past couple of years with the impact of isolation and now finding ourselves venturing out.  It is so important to remind ourselves of how hard we’ve worked and how willing we are to create this ordinary life into a fulfilling one of hope and inner change.  I encourage you to remind yourself of how extraordinary an accomplishment this is and how you are worthy and deserving to keep trying.  It is what makes you courageous,

Bonded in courage to make the ordinary great, Dee