“There is always a light.  If only we’re brave enough to see it.  If only we’re brave enough to be it.”  ~~Amanda Gorman

“All recovery roads lead to the ability to love and be loved.”  ~~Nancy Cross

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”  ~~Maya Angelou

#10 All love given returns.

I am learning to know that I am loved.

Last week I had a meaningful conversation with my sister over the phone. I had reached out to her after hearing some sad news about her eldest and crankiest felines.  After we hung up, I paused, took a deep breath, and reflected on our relationship over the years.  Tears welled up and feelings of gratitude overwhelmed me.  I had just felt Statement #10 running through my senses, touching both our lives.  Without sobriety and recovery, that expressive conversation would not have taken place.

Statement #10, the second of the “Love” Statements in the WFS New Life Program can feel foreign or unfamiliar.  Before sobriety, it can be easy to justify or excuse disconnection and move away from love. Alcohol or drugs become a roadblock to sending love out and swiftly curtail the return of love. Yet, at our core, love is simply who and what we are, and love takes us further into expansion.

As I hung up the phone it occurred to me that love in action; from living in sobriety and recovery to relationships coming full circle is launched and held steady with love.  What love is can look different from every angle, and as it states in our WFS Program booklet, “Love is multifaceted.  It can be shared in many ways.  We can receive love from friends, family, partners, colleagues, spouses, and even pets.  We can experience it through nature, companionship, romance or a sense of loving connection to the world.” Sometimes love looks like openness, and also boundaries.  Love can be tiny, or all encompassing.  Love takes courage, and love needs each of us to bring it to life.

In what different ways do you experience love?

Where has love taken you?

What do you need right now to experience love?

Hugzzz

Karen

Hi 4C Women,

My sister recently sent me letters that I had written her over the years, starting in the late 60s.  Ever since my brother-in-law passed away last month, she has been clearing out stuff.  At first, I did not understand why she was returning my personal letters and yet as she will soon be turning 80, I realize that she wanted to remind me of the loving relationship we shared and honestly, it was such a blessing to read the chapters of my life in my own words.  I wrote a LOT!!!  Some were handwritten and others typewritten.  She included a small note apologizing for not recognizing my sadness as she read every one of those letters before she mailed them. Truthfully, I was lonely.  I missed my family, my friends, my co-workers, my hometown.

I had been married 3 months when my ex and I moved to AL for the first time.  No more going home in a short 2–3-hour drive, no more working in a job that I treasured.  My ex traveled a lot, so it made the isolation even harder to deal with.  We moved often and when the children came along, I sometimes felt I was a single parent.  One time I was so lonely that I put the kids in the car, nothing packed and was ready to drive 15 hours to PA to be with my family.  Fortunately, I regained my senses and we just took a short drive!

When I read those letters, I realized two pivotal changes occurred that turned my life, my loneliness around.  Changes that gave me my voice.  The first was working for the YW whose mission was and still is to eliminate racism and empower women.  If it wasn’t for the YW, I am not sure I would have discovered WFS when I did.  The empowerment I was gaining helped me to learn to love myself and acknowledge that I was worthy of self-love.

I am so grateful for WFS and the dear friends I have made and the strong support system I built and so desperately needed.    I found life changing sobriety and a passion of caring for those women I have been privileged to meet and watch their emotional and personal growth.  I can say I have embraced the knowledge of experiencing Statement #10 to its fullest.  I have given love and truly feel that I am loved.

Who is part of your support system?

Bonded in giving love and knowing that you are loved, Dee

Please donate online at https://womenforsobriety.org or you can mail a check to WFS, P.O. Box 618, Quakertown, PA  18951 with a note that the funds are for the Teddy Bear Challenge.

All donors thru June 8, 2021, will be entered into the drawing for a doll, unless otherwise noted.

“There is always a new beginning.”

~~Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

 ~~Seneca

“You may have a fresh start any moment you choose.

 For this thing that we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down.”

~~Mary Pickford

#9 The past is gone forever.

No longer am I victimized by the past.  I am a new woman.

Sobriety and Statement #9 in action can bring about lasting change and can instill feelings of a fresh start or new beginning.  Oftentimes for women in recovery, the past can hang over us like a dark cloud, limiting our ability to enjoy a fulfilling life.  WFS and in particular, Statement #9, create a portal for a New Life that feels fulfilling and life affirming.

Connected to the past are two emotions: shame and guilt.  Both are challenging to move through yet Statement #9 in action helps to progress through them.  Yet what are they exactly?  It is easy to lump both of them together, yet they are two separate emotions.  According to Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault, PhD:  You may sometimes confuse shame with guilt, a related but different emotion.

Guilt is a feeling you get when you did something wrong, or perceived you did something wrong.

Shame is a feeling that your whole self is wrong, and it may not be related to a specific behavior or event.

When you feel guilty about the wrong thing you did, you can take steps to make up for it and put it behind you. But feeling shame or being convinced that you are the thing that’s wrong, offers no clear-cut way to “come back” to feeling more positive about yourself. That’s one difference between shame and guilt.

Guilt

Feeling remorse or responsible for something you’ve done wrong or perceived you did wrong.  Relating to a specific action like making a mistake, committing an offense, or hurting someone (intentionally or unintentionally)

Shame

Feeling that you are bad, worthy of contempt, or inadequate as a person.  Relating to our behavior or self, often in relation to other people’s opinions, not necessarily about a specific behavior or event

How Shame Happens

From the day you were born, you were learning to feel that you were okay or not okay, accepted or not accepted, in your world. Your self-esteem was shaped by your daily experiences of being praised or criticized, lovingly disciplined or punished, taken care of or neglected.

People who grow up in abusive environments can easily get the message that they are undeserving, inadequate, and inferior—in other words, that they should feel ashamed.

Over time, intense feelings of shame can take hold of a person’s self-image and create low self-esteem. Feelings of shame often stem from what other people think. The person may become super-sensitive to what feels like criticism, even if it isn’t, and may feel rejected by others. Inside, they feel painful self-contempt and worthlessness.”

This week, embrace new beginnings and examine your feelings. Identify guilt or shame that you have felt in the past or recently.

What behaviors are linked to guilt or shame?

How did you move through these difficult feelings?  What tools did you use?  Is there an area in your life that needs a bit more attention?

Hugzzz

Karen

Hi 4C Women,

In healing from the past, I have learned that using shame or guilt as a motivator to cure addiction is an absolute myth.  I read an article online from The Clearing which addressed this and clearly stated that shaming only reinforces the intense feelings of unworthiness.  The one sentence in the article that spoke to me was, “Shame doesn’t heal addiction, it only does damage.”  For myself in early sobriety, I struggled to release the painful past of shame.  I felt I deserved to punish myself and couldn’t quite grasp the concept of no longer victimizing myself.  My life experience was filled with rejection so I obviously was flawed.  Another article I read from NICABM talks about Guilt vs Shame and how we need to learn the difference as we heal from the past.  There is helpful guilt which directs us to “learn” from hurting or harming ourselves or others.

Unhealthy guilt leads us to emphasize self-punishment over behavior change, trapping us in guilt.  I was stuck in the guilt trap and yet was determined to become a new woman in my New Life.   As I practiced releasing the past, I also had to acknowledge that there were times of acceptance, being loved but I didn’t trust it to be real or lasting in the past.  The feelings of rejection took over.  This is why I value the WFS program.  It wasn’t just about not drinking, it was about digging deep to uncover the hurt I was unnecessarily causing myself and to discover ways to love and forgive myself.  After all, I cannot change the past.  I can learn and heal from it with a lot of introspection and truth finding.  Forgiveness empowered me.  As Dr. Phil wrote in “Making peace with your past: Choosing Forgiveness: The pain of what happened is inevitable but continuing to suffer is optional.  The only person you can control is you.  By constantly reliving the pain of what happened, you are giving your power away.  You can’t change the things that happened in your life, but you can decide how you interpret and respond to them.  If you didn’t receive support when you needed it, give it to yourself now.”

All of these bits and pieces from what I have read and learned from over the years is all because of the WFS program, the supportive women I have met and choosing to heal from the past.  If pain knocks on my door, I will let it visit, giving me time to regain my power and forgiveness.  I no longer let it stay and sometimes, I don’t even open the door!  Where are you on the journey of releasing the past, healing and empowering yourself?

Bonded in releasing, healing and being empowered, Dee

Speaker Highlights for the WFS Virtual Conference 2021 include some familiar names: .O – Sharon Salzberg –  Dr. Rebecca Ray – Ester Nicholson – Mary Beth O’Connor.

Full Presenter Bio’s and Workshop descriptions are available now! To read more, visit:  conference.womenforsobriety.org/

Register today!

“The older I get, the more I’m conscious of ways very small things can make a change in the world.  Tiny little things, but the world is made up of tiny matters, isn’t it?”  ~~Sandra Cisneros

“Make a conscious effort to surround yourself with positive, nourishing, and uplifting people. —people who believe in you, encourage you to go after your dreams, and applaud your victories.”  ~~Jack Canfield

“If you don’t make a conscious effort to visualize who you are and what you want to become in life, then you empower other people and circumstances to shape your journey by default.  Your silence makes you reactive vs. proactive.”  ~~Shannon Alder

#6 Life can be ordinary or it can be great.

Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.

Consciousness, or mindfulness felt like some far-out mystic proposition before sobriety and New Life.  It was something that other people did or were into and I couldn’t relate to or recognize the benefits at the time.   Today, better understanding how consciousness plays an important part of sobriety/recovery, Statement #6 in action encourages us to create the lives we desire.

In our WFS Program booklet it powerfully states, “Although we only get a one-way ticket through life, we speed through our days as if planning to enjoy them at another time.  We live as if we have an endless number of tomorrows.”  Anyone who has ever watched a child, grandchild or even pet grow up can relate; those moments of unsteady toddling babies or the silly antics of a kitten or puppy seemingly disappear right before our eyes, gone in a flash and we long to return one more time.  So how do we enjoy those fleeting moments?  Mindfulness is key.

Where do we start?  If you have been sober for any length of time you have already practiced mindfulness or consciousness; any time you challenged a thought about drinking or using, you were using mindfulness.  You were aware of what your mind was thinking and took action to stay sober.  You were present in that moment and probably noticed Statement #1.  Yet Statement #6 is an extension of that; it is being present for everyday ordinary moments.  Being fully present in any given moment allows the fleeting to be experienced in ways unavailable when under the influence.  It grants us the ability to recognize the temporary, enables gratitude and creates lasting connection.  Here are four ways to help introduce or practice more mindfulness/consciousness:

1. Slow down and pay attention to right now:  Try to take time to notice things in this often-busy world.  Use each of your senses, sight, sound, taste, smell, and touch.  For example, when you step outside, notice the coolness or warmth in the air, the fragrance of rain or freshly cut grass, listen to birds chirping, lawnmowers, feel the breeze or sunshine.
2. Accept who you are right now:  Each of us is learning and growing.  If there is something that you do not accept or like about yourself, embrace it and know that you can grow into who you wish to be.  This moment is not the final you. Each of us is a work in progress.  You get to create and grow into yourself every day.
3. Connect to your breath:  When things feel overwhelming, we each have a tool that can center and bring us back to the present.  Usually, we pay no attention to something so automatic, but when we pause and focus on a breath, we are slowing down and using mindfulness to create a greater feeling of balance.
4. Look for ways to become mindful/conscious:  Utilize the WFS Online forum where you will find groups, posts and insightful responses which can jump start a mindful practice or engage in a discussion in a WFS face to face group. There are websites and apps which have excellent information much like our forum; Calm and Insight Timer are two favorite apps as well as the website mindful.org.

This week, practice mindfulness for a set moment each day and by the week’s end, reflect on how it influenced your days.  What did you notice?  How does it feel?  How does it compare to your life before sobriety and recovery?

Hugzzz

Karen

Hi 4C Women,

This moment is not the final you!  All I can say is, thank goodness.  I love the fact that learning and growing emotionally is always a path we travel, not a destination.  I have found that as I age, I experience life in so many different ways.  I am still learning from the women in WFS meetings and I embrace that.  Recently a group member said that she chose alcohol over feelings.  While I experienced that, I had not heard it expressed in such a succinct way.

Over the years, I have heard women say that they were accused of caring more about themselves, their addiction, than their family or other relationships.  Truth is, it’s the relationship we have with ourselves that we have a hard time accepting.  So, we choose alcohol or drugs to not feel.  Not because we don’t love others, we don’t love ourselves.  At least that was the case with me.  I hid, numbed, escaped my feelings of worthlessness by using alcohol.  It worked but what a price I paid.  When I think of all the positive qualities I finally acknowledged when I became sober, I was so grateful to have been given the WFS program to discover and uncover what I would have never believed while drinking.  And so, life can be ordinary or it can be great by a conscious effort!

Here is the effort – to practice the mindfulness as Karen described, to view the ordinary as great, to pause and reflect during the day and view the moments as small pieces of treasures to keep in your memory box.

I came across a question in the New Life Diary from a while back.  It asked what new thing have I tried in the past 6 months.  Considering this past year and the isolation many of us experienced, I thought I would answer with a bit of honest humor so here goes:  I tried brand new flavors of ice cream, tried not to annoy customers in the grocery store as that became my social outlet for conversation, tried just about every fast food place in the area even though I’m not too keen on drive-throughs, tried to pretend I now enjoyed cooking, tried to motivate myself to clean out my clutter with all the time I had on my hands, tried to sign up for virtual exercise classes (thought about would be a better word to describe my actions or non-action),tried to convince myself that I would be much healthier when I made a conscious effort to eat more fruits and vegetables.

Now for the serious changes:  I reconnected with people that I had lost contact with, did a bit of soul searching as to what matters to me and it’s still the same – friendships and loving relationships – made a conscious effort to always thank those who have helped me in so many ways, learned I could speak my voice respectfully and even be heard sometimes, worked through loss in a more healing way, felt authentic joy for celebratory events, worked on practicing more self-care, forgave myself when I felt I disappointed someone or even myself, became more conscious of all that I am grateful for and not being great with technology,  let go of my technology fear and learned zoom so that I could continue to provide WFS meetings!

Yes, life can be ordinary or it can be great by a conscious effort.  What have you consciously been made aware of this year through reflection as to how life can be great? Click here to view the May Action for Happiness calendar that I feel relates to Statement #6.

Bonded in creating a life that is ordinarily great!  Dee

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